Monday, October 31, 2005

8.10 Cancelled ("It's just running late")
9.06 Twenty Minutes Late ('lost' the driver)
I should’ve known really. It always happens when the clocks go back.

At PoshTown a man who has just disembarked gesticulates to the conductor. "Hang on!" he shouts: “There’s an Old Guy coming”.

The ‘old guy’ in question appears on the platform. He must be eighty. He makes all the haste he can. He rushes, but it's painfully slow, towards the train until he is within a couple of yards of the still open door.
"beep beep beep beep"
The conductor closes the door, right in the Old Guy's face.

Henceforth he shall be known as RightBastardConductor.

In 'other news'

“I buy some shoes!!!”

It really happened. I went into Clarks and came out with two pairs. Nothing special (they are shoes after all) but they should see me right till 2009.

Everthere – Elbow
12 Hours It Takes Some Time – Reindeer Section
Soul Meets Body – Death Cab For Cutie
A Little Bit Me, A Little Bit You – The Monkees
Strange & Beautiful – Aqualung
Red – Elbow
The Letter – Dean Friedman
Theme For A Pretty Girl – Eels
Coming Down – Starsailor
Here’s One That Got Away – Style Council
Girl All The Bad Guys Want – Bowling For Soup
Dog Door – Sparklehorse
Son of A Bitch – Eels
Still Ill – The Smiths


Wednesday, October 26, 2005

8.10 On Time
10.09 Email from reception:

Say nothing, I could be right, I believe she had her coat on and they don't know where she is. Z.

Maybe I am becoming embroiled in a murder mystery.
Mr Badger* from yesterday, wearing his waistcoat and ostentatiously checking his pocket watch, will walk through the door and start deducing things about our motives and movements and I will know I’m in a 1930’s drama.
Good will ultimately triumph.
Part II will follow the news.

14.29 Email from reception:

Say Nothing, only when you are passing please call. Thanks Z.

The plot thickens
The question is, should I call?

Philosophy – Ben Folds Five
Eleanor Rigby – The Beatles
The Group Who Couldn’t Say – Grandaddy
Loneliness – Ed Harcourt
Christmas In Suburbia – Martin Newell
Dialogue – Rosie Thomas
A Better Son/Daughter – Rilo Kiley
I’m Only Sleeping – The Beatles
Life Of Surprises – Prefab Sprout
Any Day Now – Elbow

*I appreciate that he was a barrister, not a detective, but when did not being a detective ever stop anyone?


Tuesday, October 25, 2005

17.12 On Time
World's Mumbliest Training Provider Part II.
Luckily he brought along his Only Slightly Less Mumbly sidekick, who looked like Badger out of Wind In The Willows and sounded like Richard Griffiths. Badger related an anecdote about his elderly mother which seemed to have no pertinence, and ended with him rifling through her drawers.

Barristers, huh!

Slightly less mystified than after the first session, though neither inspired, nor, filled with confidence in my ability to make the world a safer place.

(Plum crumble today)

Waiting For The Moon To Rise - Belle & Sebastian
Young Blood - Rickie Lee Jones
Babylon - David Gray
Take Me I'm Yours - Squeeze
Tart - Elvis Costello
Here Comes The Ocean - Roddy Frame

The Shining - Badly Drawn Boy
Hostage-O - Warren Zevon


Wednesday, October 19, 2005

7.31 On Time
On the train, an Artist speaks:

", by the next day we’re in Portugal, and by nine o'clock the exhibition's hung, and Carlos says: 'That's what I like man, can do '

then Carlos says: 'You're like Picasso, man, you keep on getting better and better'

… and it's, like, four million escudos, so Carlos says: 'Man! you're a millionaire!' "

Which was nice.

Star Caller of the day:

"We manufacture Grottos and we've been told that Santa's Throne doesn't comply with EU Standards – can you help?"

A Walk Across The Rooftops – The Blue Nile
Velocity Girl – Snow Patrol
Annie Waits – Ben Folds
Torn – Natalie Imbruglia
Glamorous Indie Rock & Roll – The Killers
How To Disappear Completely - Radiohead
Ramblin’ Man – Lemon Jelly

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Tuesday, October 18, 2005

17.12 On Time
It's not that I think walking boots are the same as shoes.

I don't have a problem entering emporia purveying fleecy fabrics, unbreakable flasks and gore tex, they're nothing like Shoe Shops, it's not that.
I don't want to buy a new pair of walking boots because I'm emotionally attached to my old ones. They are sturdy boots, dourly made by pre-glasnost east europeans. They're not new fangled fancy dan designer footwear. They're honest, hardworking and I bought them from a proper family business in my own home town. My luddite soul wants to hold on to them till they fall apart.

Unfortunately, aided by regular dubbing, they are holding up remarkably well and showing virtually no signs of wear.

I was hobbling around the office in my socks today.

It's my feet that are falling apart.

I need some new walking boots.

All Maps Welcome - Tom McRae

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

7.31 Cancelled
8.10 Fifteen Minutes Late
Being in a filthy mood due to the ineptitude of Northern Trains didn't put me in the best frame of mind for a session with the world's mumbliest training provider.

I managed to glean that 'a stitch in time saves nine' but, in other circumstances, 'more haste less speed' and very possibly, 'softly softly catchee monkey'. The prime directive appeared to be: if you want to keep your job and not end up in prison, don't tell anybody anything.

And people think I'm abstruse.

When I woke up I found I'd scribbled down some ideas for Leanne's "Elbow For Sceptics" compilation (see below) so the day wasn't entirely wasted.

Oh, and the rhubarb crumble was ace and the chairs rocked - literally

Any Day Now
Powder Blue
Scattered Black & Whites
Fugitive Motel
Switching Off
Not A Job
Station Approach
Forget Myself
The Stops*
Leaders Of The Free World
The Everthere
Great Expectations
Puncture Repair

*New Favourite Song Alert

Thursday, October 06, 2005

17.12 On Time
A man bought a pair of swimming trunks.
He went swimming five days a week for six months.
The swimming trunks faded.
He's not getting his money back.

He wants it to be on "Crimewatch".

I know this because I overheard Lovely saying, in soothing, measured tones: "Well, I'm sure it would make a fantastic story, but I think they're really more interested in murder and so on."

He's going to write to "Watchdog" instead. They'll love it.

The Optimist - Turin Brakes
Wonder If The Snow Will Settle - Clearlake
Losing Streak - Eels
Comedienne - Cinerama
The World Is Saved - Stina Nordenstam
Ready Lets Go - Boards Of Canada
We're All Light - XTC
Winter - Teenage Fanclub
No Name #1 - Elliott Smith

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

17.12 On Time
He’s back.
"WipeTheSlateClean"Colleague has returned, having recovered from the mystery illness that kept him off work for three months (coinciding beautifully with the cricket).
No clues yet as to the nature of the illness, but we have been instructed to "Act Naturally" and "Help him to re-integrate".

Whatever that means.

Anyway, he's off on holiday next week.
If the amount of work he’s putting in this week is anything to go by he’ll need it.


Any Day Now – Elbow
If You Intend – 10,000 Maniacs
Misread – Kings Of Convenience
Footsteps Fall – Eddie Reader
Don’t Fear The Reaper – Blue Oyster Cult
Mike Mills - Air
Backdrifts (Honeymoon Is Over) – Radiohead


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