Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Pulled up my hood, shrank down into my coat, dissolved into the world of Colin Meloy and dreamt between the words.
Bad day. ThesaurusBoy ran out of pills, and everyone else suffered. OldFishWife is worried about Peru but won't admit it, and everyone else is suffering. SmellyColleague is not changing his shirts again, and everyone else suffers.
I can't tell if, despite my supposed efforts, I am still being moody and miserable and driving people away; or if it's all in my head - which is where most things happen.
Wasted too much time wondering if Walter is a) my nemesis b) my guardian angel or c) a figment of my imagination.
The Crane Wife - The Decemberists
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
It's Not Fair. Parts I & II
I’m gutted at the news that the super casino has gone to Manchester.
My slogan all along has been “Blackpool – because you couldn’t make it any worse”.
And imagine what David Nightingale would’ve been able to do with all that neon and glitz.
(Please don't spoil my illusion and tell me that it's all going to be done very tastefully)
The Crane Wife - The Decemberists
Labels: real life
Monday, January 29, 2007
On Saturday night I thought I'd taken some cracking pictures of Mr Ben Folds at the Manchester Apollo, but this photography lark turns out to not be as easy as it looks.
Also, over the weekend I discovered that I really love this!!!
The Crane Wife - The Decemberists
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Enough of the gloom.
A New Leaf: I’m embracing my inner Pollyanna, accentuating the positive, looking on the bright side etc.
Seeing how it goes.
My first test: DollFacedGirl asks if she can borrow a pen “For a minute?”
I’m holding a pen in my hand but there is a fraction of a fraction of a second during which I consider saying “No”. It’s not just any old pen after all; it’s my very special Parker Pen, to which I am attached for sentimental reasons, though I can’t remember the reasons.
I pass it across to her.
But I keep her in the corner of my eye until she’s finished with it.
Weightlifting – Trashcan Sinatras
Private Universe – Crowded House
Neighbourhood #3 (Power Out) – Arcade Fire
Postcards From Italy – Beirut
This Land Is My Land – Woody Guthrie
My Love Has Gone – Josh Rouse
Here At The Western World – Steely Dan
Rocket Man – Elton John
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
I had a thank you letter from someone I've been helping over the last fourteen months, on and off. She wrote to let me know she'd just banked a cheque for £3,500.
She was such a nice person and remained so calm and rational throughout the whole thing, even the times when we both thought this day would never come.
It gave me a bit of a lump in the throat moment.
I miss my job! It's been twelve months - already!
Between The Lines - Janis Ian
An Orange Girl with a squashed doll face spent the journey applying mascara and playing with her hair extensions while, opposite, a fifteen year old boy was using up a lifetime of wishes in an attempt to become invisible.
Pulling into the station I gathered up my belongings and stepped into the aisle.
The woman to my left squeezed herself into the space behind me, her suitcase digging into the back of my knees, handbag pressing into the small of my back. She was making damn sure no one snuck off in front of her and no mistake.
When the doors opened I did a thing I never do, not ever - stood back and smiled and motioned "No, after you" to the two passengers waiting patiently in their seats in front of me.
How passive aggressive have you been today?
Bottoms Of Barrels - Tilly & The Wall
Monday, January 22, 2007
Another Year Has Gone, I Still Sing The Same Sad Song
My sense of humour found its way home on Friday afternoon. Which came in handy.
Then today, it wasn't dark as I walked from work to the station.
During the journey I was almost tempted by the conversation of the Law Student who couldn't be bothered to make the effort required to have a sit down meal with the Boyfriend's parents.
And - I didn't fall asleep on the train.
Today: 'Official Most Miserable Day Of The Year '* ? Not round here it's not.
Mourners Of Saint Pauls - Liam Frost
Annie, Let's Not Wait - Guillemots
Gulag Orkestar - Beirut
Cherry Cola - Eagles Of Death Metal
The Engine Driver - The Decemberists
Reckless - Tilly & The Wall
Annie Waits - Ben Folds
Is This Love? - Liam Frost
*Have they started doing cards for that yet?
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
I'm all curled up inside myself right now, and I'm not sure when I'm coming back out. It's just work. And tiredness. And the whole January thing.
Western Sky - American Music Club
The Book and the Canal - Calexico
Svefn - g - Englar - Sigur Ros
No Name #1 - Elliott Smith
Red Rover - Rosie Thomas
Human Remains - Tom McRae
Saint Simon - The Shins
Surviving Twin - Loudon Wainwright III
Labels: real life
Friday, January 12, 2007
Tim bought me “The Damned Utd” for Christmas.
Since hearing an interview with David Peace on 'Front Row' I knew I was going to have to read it at some point. Despite having read “1974” and finding it the most unpleasant novel I’d ever finished. Despite having an atavistic hatred of Brian Clough, passed on to me from my Dad, even before the whole Leeds debacle.
So, no time like the present.
It's meticulousness was hard going at first, and there are only so many ways to say ‘we won, we lost, we drew’. It was not ideal bedtime reading either. Mostly because of the clenched teeth and and the tension in my shoulders and the desire to throw the book across the room, not wanting to know what That Man thought or felt about anything, but also because of the unremitting grubbiness of it all.
As I progressed, as it's timelines drew closer together, I was drawn in. I succumbed. I don't know if I ever actually enjoyed the experience, but events started to fall into place, things began to make sense, it was almost possible to understand why he'd taken the job (though never why it'd been a good idea to offer it to him).
Some things I remembered, some things I'd never known, some things I'd conveniently forgotten.
(I still have a photo cut out of the Yorkshire Post, of the great Duncan McKenzie jumping over a mini, pressed between the pages of my 1976 Collins diary).
Then last night I finished it.
Wish he’d stuck to his original intention and it’d been about Don Revie.
Brilliant Mind - Furniture
The District Sleeps Alone Tonight - Postal Service (DJ Downfall remix)
Goodbye Lucille #1 - Prefab Sprout
Underdog - Turin Brakes
Late For The Sky - Jackson Browne
One More Mile - Tom McRae
Black Heart - Calexico
Sara - Ben Weaver
Thursday, January 11, 2007
The chaos on the street this morning makes me wonder how I managed to sleep at all last night.
I skirt the tumbled wheelie bins - spilling their guts onto the pavement, step over a felled ‘For Sale’ sign and avoid broken branches.
Today the journey is over too soon.
My community of early risers is shaken from its security blanket and rolled out into the real world where it's siling down. Rain sweeping in sheets across the near-empty car park.
Today would be a good day for skiving.
I picture myself miles away. Walking over wet cobbles, headed towards the steamy café, toasted teacakes and a large cappuccino, talking for hours about … whatever it was we used to talk about for hours.
Greetings To The New Brunette – Billy Bragg
Lust In The Movies – The Long Blondes
Stumble & Fall - Razorlight
Darkshines - Muse
Never – The Cure
The Mind Is Evil – Clearlake
Wow – Snow Patrol
I Won’t Die For You – The Lilac Time
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
And I Don't Feel Any Different
"Whatever's the matter?" Lovely asked me. "You look as if you're trapped in a burning building and you've got to choose between two doors and only one door leads to safety"
(most people would've been content with "...like you've seen a ghost" but this is Lovely we're talking about)
What 'it' is, is a scent, releasing a memory that I almost caught, but which has now, elusively, vanished.
I can't identify the scent, I can't recall the memory, but the back of my neck is hot and cold, my mouth dry. It's a freeze frame of fear - then it's over, drained away. The scent and the memory.
I laugh it off.
On the train I'm starting to doze. Drifting. Lulled by the motion until I'm jolted back - that scent again, that memory again, that fear again.
I don't know what it is I'm so scared of, but it's very close by.
The New Year - Death Cab For Cutie
Get Me Away From Here I'm Dying - Belle & Sebastian
Let Me Be - Kate Rusby
Everything I Own - Bread
The Black Amnesias - Hope Of The States
Arc Of Time - Bright Eyes
If The Stars Shine Tonight - The Lilac Time
When The Stars Go Blue - Ryan Adams
Time Has Told Me - Nick Drake
Monday, January 08, 2007
This morning ExLineManager caught me reading the Time Out guide to California. A lucky combination of the 'Ex' factor and the general malaise meant he really didn't give a shit.
This afternoon I have been mostly keeping my fingers crossed for TheOlderBoy.
In Between - Josh Rouse
The Trapdoor - Ed Harcourt
Fresh Feeling - Eels
Fuck The Valley Fudge - Grandaddy
Neighbourhood #1 - Arcade Fire
Banjo #2 - James Yorkston
Stay In The Shade - Jose Gonzales
Bleeker Street - Simon & Garfunkel
Lonesome Valley - Fairfield Four
Friday, January 05, 2007
Accounts of Madness, Loneliness, Childbirth and Grief
GirlWhoTalksWithHerHands and ManWithTheDolphinSmile are discussing Celebrity Big Brother. I know this because I hear the phrase "thick as shit" and the words "Teddy Sheringham" and "judge" and, although I have not seen the programme, I have already overheard other, similar conversations.
The young, but unharrassed, mother of three girls ranging from 'tiny' to 'small', completes the whole journey without once resorting to threat of violence, actual violence or bribery. I want to hug her.
A boy in a fleece, with birds nest hair, is on his mobile trying to fill in the gaps in his New Years Eve. He is neither worried nor proud. Just a little bemused.
Out Of Time - Chris Farlowe
Restraining Order Blues - Eels
Mountain Fern - Laura Cantrell
Radio Silence - Elvis Costello
When Love Breaks Down - Prefab Sprout
To Sir With Love - Natalie Merchant/Michael Stipe
Gold Rush Brides - 10,000 Maniacs
Lost Property - Divine Comedy
Turn You Inside Out - REM
Thursday, January 04, 2007
I'd Rather Laugh With The Sinners Than Cry With The Saints
This morning was OK.
For no apparent reason I had a flashback to the Christmas Do and ExLineManager telling me it was brilliant that I don't act 'grown up'.
Then I made the Origami sledge, got my leave slip signed and got my calendar out and coloured in half of May.
Leanne pointed out the significance of the Easter Weekend falling over two flexi periods and I realised that, in only a few weeks time, OldFishWife will be off up the Amazon.
Roll on the holidays!
This afternoon there was nothing to do and I got a headache.
Dog On Wheels - Belle & Sebastian
How To Be Dead - Snow Patrol
Take On Me - A-Ha
Far Far Away - Slade
The Whole Of The Moon - The Waterboys
Bonny - Prefab Sprout
I Don't Wanna Know - Fleetwood Mac
Only The Good Die Young - Billy Joel
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Nothing’s changed, apart from the fare.
Everyone is in a state of post-Christmas comedown.
Even GirlWhoTalksWithHerHands is quiet. BabyCommuter is dozing. MrsBriefcase is exasperated. I probably look as pissed off as everyone else, but am deliberately avoiding catching sight of my reflection.
Three hours sleep, tops. Lying awake in an ever-decreasing circle of self-pity and anxiety.
The twelve year old in me doesn’t want to go back to school.
Keep On Breathing – The Delgados
Strachan – The Hitchers
Dream Brother – Jeff Buckley
Pressed In A Book – The Shins
Wake Up – Arcade Fire
Fruit Of The Vine – Jim White
Nickel Dreams – Nanci Griffith
Fuck Me Kitten - REM